a blog without purpose

Month: February 2013

You like to put what? Where?

I am a big fan of porn, especially for a pretty staunch feminist. One would assume being born with a love button and not a shame stick implies feminist leanings, this is not always the case. Ask Phyllis Schafly, queen of the crazy crab people. Porn […]

“You’re Invited..” to the gyno?

Call me old fashioned, but when I need to be reminded to go to a doctors office, a simple “Hey bitch your vagina needs a check up” will suffice. I feel that the only motivation that SHOULD be necessary to get your patient into the […]

Totem your pole

You might not be able to tell based on my writing, but I am a classy bitch. I enjoy the finer things in life like classical music, theater, NPR, and Guinness; because I believe you can still be a lady and not a pussy.

Tonight, my wonderful tolerant husband took me to Totem the Cirque Du Soleil show (thank you, in-laws for the awesome b-day gift to the Hubs).

The show was awe-inspiring. It always makes me wonder what the performers lives are like. I assume you don’t decide after 10 years in the accounting department to say “Fuck THIS I’m going to put on a sequin G-String and some pasties, and learn how to ride a unicycle while balancing bowls on my head! Fuck YEAH UNICYCLE FOR LIFE!” I imagine most of these people started out in baby gymnastics class in an eastern European or Asian country, and were recruited if they were capable of doing a perfect back flip off a pyramid of screaming toddlers while changing their own diaper. That has to be the standard for starting your career with this company. Personally, I can’t chew gum and tie my shoe at the same time without falling over and choking on the gum.

I love watching the performers who work in pairs, especially if it is a guy and a girl. When it’s just two girls I assume they are like the twins from The Shining. If it is a man and a woman I am fascinated, especially if you can tell they are not blood relations. I imagine what their conversations would be like.

Guy- “Hey, so I was thinking our act is getting a little stale.”

Girl- “Yeah, you are right. Maybe we need to freshen it up a little bit. Rather than just our usual you lifting me up with your arms and flipping me into the air, we could add some leverage to our act, like a trapeze or something?”

Guy ” Hey, great idea. I was thinking I could mix it up a little and maybe lift you up using only my eyelids and have you balance against my forehead until I throw you into the air and using only the strength in my big toe. I can catch you before you plummet to your death, but the here’s the kicker, I am only holding the trapeze using the elasticity and fortitude of my still intact foreskin?! Awesome right?!”

Girl “…. sounds good lets do it!”

 

As great as the shows always are, I find the crowd to be almost equally amusing. I was unaware that males in Miami had stolen the red skinny jeans out of their girlfriends closets and had elected to wear them for a night out. I wonder if they share underwear too.. gross. gross. I just grossed myself out..

 The bathroom situation was made more interesting by the fact that it was raining and the toilets were portable trailers and unisex. I manned up and ventured into the drizzle because I wasn’t prepared to wait 20 min to pee in the closer trailer. Some intelligent bastard followed me out there when he realized there were 10 free stalls 15 feet from where we were standing. Like an idiot with tunnel vision, I barge into the first open stall, and proceed to stare abashed at a piss drenched toilet. It was as if Jackson Pollock decided to substitute paint for urine and a port-a-potty for canvas. I backed right the fuck out and right into random dude. I guess he saw the abhorred look on my face, because he asked me what was wrong. I told him not to go in there because there was piss everywhere. He seemed amused at my womanly lack of penis, and his superior upright peeing capabilities. He disgustingly gallantly decided to prove his admirable vertical piddle power by using the nasty stall and maintaining the conversation. For a girl this is not odd. We commonly talk to each other while we go to the bathroom. I was under the impression that communicating to another man while holding your cock,is a taboo of some sort; so I was rather surprised the conversation persisted while we were in parallel stalls. Awkward is a good word for it. I disinfected every body part that touched a surface in that stall and booked it right out the door. I almost face planted when I whipped my head around to confirm that a I saw gold accented leopard print skinny jeans on some idiot who doesn’t own a mirror. This was the second siting today involving a leopard print related fashion nightmare/Unicorn (meaning it was so horrible I had to look twice to make sure it was real). The first was a Blue.. leopard print… velour.. tracksuit. I don’t even know where you buy something like that. I do not consider myself all that fashionable, but I do try to avoid looking like a train wreck. Some of the people I see make me question reality. You start looking around for a camera, because there is no way you can see a 400 lbs senior citizen walking around in ass-less jeans and mesh tube top and not think “this dude is just fucking with us.. I hope”.

 

 

Bite your tongue till it bleeds..

Working in the customer service industry anywhere is pretty much a shitastic experience no matter where you happen to be. Working in customer service in a state where cannibalism, public masturbation and bestiality make the news so frequently you aren’t phased is a whole new Level. You learn things, […]

Gods LOL list..

  I am back on the blogger train again. I took a hiatus when I was under the false impression that I was an excellent candidate for police academy. Reality straightened me right out. Turns out that a college degree and a little work experience does not cut it. […]