I am not much of a video game person. I am more of a go outside and hike through the woods to commune with the natures type, or the sit inside reading about people who ride dragons and shit. As a kid the only video game I remember playing with any ability was NBA Jams on my brother’s Sega Genesis. The only reason I was even remotely successful (I use this term very loosely) was because I could consistently jam the buttons with just the right amount of abandon to result in some amazing dunks that made the announcer yell “BOOM SHAKALAKA”. Video games just never really appealed to me, I never had the attention span and I was usually kicked outside to go play or going to some type of sports practice. This has had a two fold influence on me, it taught me to enjoy physical activity and it gave me a raging case Ultra Competitiveness. So when my loving husband expressed a desire to get me to play a computer video game, I was hesitant.
I am pretty sure he was born with a game controller in his hand. To the level that I refuse to play Wii games with him bc I suck so hard at them and he wins so easily I just get pissed off and want to throw the controller THROUGH THE GODDAMN FUCKING ASSHOLE TV THAT DOESN’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHOOTING A REAL FUCKING GUN! He then takes the controller away from me and we sit in awkward silence until the moment passes.
You can see how playing some stupid game on a computer would not sound like an awesome plan to me. But, I love him and it was something that he wanted me to try so gave him my laptop and he downloaded Diablo III. For the non-nerd readers, this is a game where you can choose a character and use said character to slaughter demons and shit. There is a whole story line behind it and you have to go rescue people and find random shit to give to other people and its complicated but the gist is that you get to murder the fuck out of some stuff. As you kill stuff you achieve high levels. Now of course the Bear is like level nine million and his character looks like a tank with legs carrying a giant dick shaped sword of death.
I picked my character based on the fact that she had the best shoes. Because,standards and priorities. So I get all pumped about the chick and I click on the choose button and BOOM all the cute clothes she was wearing in the display section are gone and I am left with what looks like a syfy channel stripper. Thigh high boots, a mini skirt and a bathing suit top. That’s it. Turns out in these games you have to earn the right to wear clothes and armor. That, my friends, is a big bag of Dicks.
So I try to stay positive because I love my husband and he loves video games. I start the game running about in my thigh highs boots of destruction and a peashooter looking weapon. I run around killing stuff with some assistance from the Bears Barbarian of CockThunder and I earn a few levels. Now so far its been kinda fun. It turns out a bunch of people I know play this game ( ok… I know four people who play this game). One of my friends, who is like a level 20 trillion wizard of wrath or some shit, say “hey join my game and I will help you level up faster”. So, I’m all “ok cool I can do that!” so I join his game. Literally died immediately. My character is so pathetic a demon fart killed me.
Remember how I mentioned I have a raging case Competitiveness? Yeah, lets just say I had a relapse. The beast has been given a taste of cyber blood and will not be sated until I reach max level and “I WILL KILL FUCKING EVERYTHING!!”
Two days later and only playing when I get home from work and they gym, I have two characters now and both are 27 levels higher. My first character is now fully clothed and has both amazing shoes and jewelry and my second is named Thunder Thigh and she looks like a Valkyrie. My husband now has to tell me when its a good time to go to bed. He has threatened to put parental controls on my computer and he looks more concerned everyday. I don’t think he anticipated this response. I say that he got what he asked for so he can’t complain.
Now. BRING ME MORE DEMONS!!!!
side note: he said I am not allowed to have a World of Warcraft account… wonder why..