a blog without purpose

Humping Poop Machines

A few weeks after we got married, my husband and I adopted an 8 year old corgi. They are basically the spokes dogs of the interwebs. And have entire sites like this.. http://corgiaddict.com/ dedicated to them.

Looking into their little fox faces and watching them scurry around 4 inches off the ground, you would think they are all balls of fluffy snuggles.  That little smile they give you? Those deep soulful brown eyes?

I am the Noah Wyle of dog breeds.


They are a dirty, viscous, lie.

That little fur ball smiling at you with his dapper gentlemen’s tie, is one of the most moody disgruntled little assholes you have ever met. He hates EVERYONE.

I love him to pieces.

It was weeks before we could pet him more than three times, without fear of pulling back a bloody stump instead of a hand.

He was already incredibly well house and leash trained when we got him. But we suspect that he was abused before we got him. (People who abuse animals should have their finger and toe nails ripped out and their wounds should be injected with gangrene).

So we gave his space, time and treats. After three months and a talk with a dog “behaviorist” not to be confused with a trainer. (because these  are apparently a real jobs. My career councilor in high school never mentioned this.) He has come around and now snuggles on the regular and is rather demanding about belly rubs. He still growls at some strangers mostly men, other dogs, ducks, and hates children. (good boy)

He was determined to murder the vet after an uncomfortable experience involving a rubber glove and his butt hole (totally understandable). Mango refused the vets paltry offering of cheese-wiz as a means to make amends.  If you don’t own a dog, allow me to explain: cheese product is basically a bump of dog heroine. They all have the itch and Mango gave him the doggie middle finger.

A few weeks ago I was perusing the Facebooks and saw a local rescue  http://www.poochesinpines.com was featuring a floppy eared basset hound. After I stopped making a high pitched SQUEALING  noise,  I showed my husband and gave him the sad kitten eyes.  To his credit he tried, valiantly! to resist being pulled into the combined vortex of sad kitten eyes and the hush puppy cuteness on the screen. He sighed and said I could email the rescue and set up an appointment for Mango to meet the rescue pup. (Given Mango’s history of being an dbag, I was not confident they would like each other.)

Little did I know, that I had been harboring a sexual deviant armed with a red rocket and ready to hump. He seemed to try to lure her into a false sense of security at the first meeting. Only occasionally sniffing her lady garden and reaching over with one paw hoping she wouldn’t notice.

That courtship was out the window the day we brought Coconut home. There was some initial butt sniffing and ear licking at first. That quickly turned into wrestling and jumping. Keep in mind both of these breeds have legs that cap at about 6 inches long. so when they wrestle with each other its like watching a couple of midget T-rex’s try to a slap fight.

The wrestling eventually degraded into an all out hump fest for Mango. Unfortunately for him, he has been ball-less for so long, he only gets the idea… but is not sure on the execution or location.

So he improvised! By humping whatever he can wrap his little fur paws around. It could be her ear, leg, torso, or head. He doesn’t give  a shit. Once the humper starts going, even if she walks away, he is stuck in the humposphere and walks around loving up on air until he calms down.

Coconut turned out to be the best balance to Mango’s dick head personality. She just wants to play or cuddle. She is completely docile and sweet. Unfortunately she hasn’t totally grasped the concept of not peeing in the house. And if she does something wrong she give you this look:

I love you. But this carpet will never survive.

I have learned a few things about life in a two dog house hold. For starters, you don’t go on walks so much as sweep the neighborhood for new smells and stray chicken bones. While simultaneously peeing on everything that may have come in contact with another dog. And may God help keep your arm attached if their is a squirrel within 100 feet of you at any time. 

Our dogs do not understand the concept of sharing toys. If it’s mine I want it, if it’s yours I want it and will steal it away. If I steal it away I will leave it on the sofa beyond the reach of your tiny legs. If both dogs go after one toy, one will end up in the vets office with a knocked in tooth. And dogs will hold a grudge for up to a week if they get a tooth knocked loose.  (in her defense, he hasn’t figured out her head his bigger than his.)

Going to the bathroom is now a family event. If the door is closed they will push it open to check on you. “Mommy, whatcha doing? whats that? You smell nice mommy.. mommy! Mommy pet me! MOMMY!!!”

Thunder buddies are for life!  A lightning storm results in a massive cuddle fest on the sofa with both dogs tucked as closely next to you as they can get.

Crate training makes my soul hurt and Coconut knows it. Daddy puts her in the crate with barely a whimper. If I put her in the crate and she flops on the ground, rolls over on her back, and plays dead. And then howls and cries so loud I can hear her from my car. (we live on the third floor..) Dogs will guilt trip you better than your Italian Catholic mother. And they will work together for optimal effect.

There are not enough grocery bags in the world for the amount of dog crap you will pick up on a daily basis. I don’t know whats in dog food, but these dogs poop a hedgehog twice a day. like clock work.

Dogs are awesome. Adopt one from your local rescue. They need to know what it is to be safe and loved.

double trouble.
double trouble.


3 thoughts on “Humping Poop Machines”

  • Your killin me laughin and I love it!! Keep this wonderful writing up you have the perfect subjects to write about!! Maybe you will become the Erma Bombeck of Pets!!! Love you

  • I’m a volunteer with Pooches in Pines and saw your link on our FB page…this is awesome! Im so happy that “Coconut” and Mango are getting along! One big happy family! =)

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