“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” ― Andy Warhol
In May I was going to post a long article about my trip across the United States. This was suppose to be the once in a life time trip with my girlfriend, that we talk about for the next 70 years. I never could have predicted I would be driving that same route (and then some) just two months later with my mom.
After I returned from my road trip, I was over wrought with experiences and memories. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to be able to post about all of the awesome stuff that happened. So I put it aside to stew in my brain for a bit.
In that time I was given some tough news. I was told a promotion that I had been working towards was no longer available. I was dumbstruck. I had no idea what to do. My husband and I talked about our options and decided that if that position opened up in another location, I would apply. (so long as it wasn’t in some shit hole state. Sorry Utah but the Mormons creep us out). One night while I was toiling away on an overnight shift, my husband informed me that a position was available in San Francisco. I argued with him, (of course) and said I would know if it was listed because I checked the website. I was wrong (of course). After a 30 sec. discussion. I applied, just for shits and giggles. It didn’t really occur to me that I might actually get the job. Two weeks later they flew me out for an interview. Two days later I had the job. One month later… here I am.
I am sitting in a hotel room in Oakland with a dopey basset hound asleep at my side and an angry corgi dreaming about world domination at my feet. In thirty days I packed up my entire life and drove across the country AGAIN!
I can now give a very valid opinion on the food available in every gas station on I10. Here are a few things I have learned in the last 60 days.
1. Chicharones are just a sexy Latin name for Red neck pork rinds. And if you add hot sauce they are freaking delicious.
2. If you eat beef jerky for a solid week, you probably won’t poop for about as long.
3. everyone is nicer outside of Florida.
4. Central Florida, Mississippi and Louisiana all smell like a wet fart.
5. Some dogs will voluntarily sleep for an entire trip… my dog will try to drive if you don’t use vet prescribed tranquilizers.
6. watching two normal people have sex in a hotel hot tub looks nothing like porn. In fact it looks more like two warthogs digging a mud hole. I may never go in a hotel hot tub again.
7. Traveling through the desert in spring is much more comfortable than it is in Summer. You will get burned walking into the gas station bathroom.
8. California was designed by people who hate cars and filled with people who consider the speed limit to actually the speed “minimum”.
9. We have an amazingly beautiful country.
10. Vegas is fun if you have money and time. We had neither but the people watching was epic.
11. The Grand Canyon is mind blowing. There are no words for the feeling you get when you look take in the vast beauty. I could spend a week just looking at it from different perspectives.
12. Austin TX is probably the best thing about Texas that isn’t really very Texan. I have had some of the best meals in my life there. I watched 3 million bats fly out of their roost. I had a fancy drink at an Absinthe Bar with non-ironic hipsters. I could easily bankrupt myself by buying art and other eclectic things. My friend was accosted by a guy who wanted her to join his “tribe” of dog lover who live in a car commune.
13. New Orleans is beautiful and scary all the time. But if you keep telling yourself it is part of the culture you become less concerned you are going to be eaten by vampires or mugged.
14. Getting stopped by boarder patrol is always funny no matter who you are with. When you are two super white girls in a Chevy Camaro with a black lab in the back and they are required to ask if you are American citizens, you will want to answer “Si!”. When my mom and I rolled through the check point with the windows down so they could see in side the whole car, I never could have predicted that the patrol dog would take offense at my back seat passenger dogs. This nearly resulted in a roadside dog rumble, when Coco almost jumped out the window to play and the police dog almost came through the window to Kill.
15. The ants in Arizona must be the result of nuclear bomb tests.. those fuckers are enormous!
16. California is one of the prettiest places I’ve seen. and everyone is high. everyone. weed clouds are everywhere.
17. You will never understand how much your family means to you, until you crying your eyes out after you drop your mom off at the airport not knowing when you will be able to see her again.
18. Every moment you spend away from your husband, physically hurts.
19. It is important to remember when you are not great shape, that you should only hike half as far as you think you can handle, otherwise it’s a long ass trip back to the car. And old ass corgi’s are heavier than they look.
20. Nothing can prepare you for what life will throw at you. That doesn’t mean you can’t handle it. Sometimes, you just need to stare life in the eye and say “bitch, I got this.”