You can’t spell Diet without Die…
A few years ago my doctor enlightened me to the fact that my blood is essentially a solid and that I should consider increasing my activity level to something above vegetative. At this rate I should be a “rubenesque” statue of obesity in no time.
The conversation (or at least my interpretation of it) went something like this :
Dr: “Your cholesterol is off the charts. literally… we can barely quantify the level of fat congealed in your blood… ”
me: “uhh.. yup I kinda let myself go these last few… years.”
Dr: ” You should lose weight. a lot of it. Like 40 lbs or more.”
me: ” thank you, I failed to notice my ass getting substantially bigger. God it all makes sense now.”
Dr: “Great! let me give you a few tips! here are the things you should completely eliminate from your diet. Red Meat, Anything that involves a deep fryer, Bread, all dairy products, Sugar, Salt, Butter, starches and happiness”
me: “did you just say happiness and all the ingredients in cake?”
Dr “no of course not, that would be ridiculous.”
me: “So to clarify, I can eat.. chicken, vegetables, small bits of fruit.”
Dr:” easy on the fruit Tubby.”
me: “what is the alternative?”
Dr.” obesity, heart disease and death”
me: “where did you say you got your medical degree? Phoenix?”
Since this conversation I have tried multiple times with multiple methods to lose weight. I have been met with zero success and eventually just gave up.
Until last week. When I realized that I was no longer using bronzer to enhance my viking cheekbones, I was using it to find them. I also had to add a large amount of clothes to my “to fat to wear” section of the closet. In short, death from fat does not affect me nearly as much as ugly from fat. I am a horrible human being.
I will point out that in the last week or so, my body has started to systematically punish me for consuming food with less nutritional value than sand.
So yesterday, I went out a bought a bunch of vegetables and healthy shit. I looked up a bunch of healthy recipes. And I prepared my poor husband for what was to come.
We all respond differently when denied something we think we want. Some people cave in. Others suffer silently and rise above. I turn into a whimpering child or act like a drug deprived junkie.
For example: One year while in college, I gave up soda for lent( I know, I know, not the function of lent). But, I couldn’t go eat without my pupils dilating at the sight of the coke machine. I would catch myself fantasizing about violently attacking the frat boy in front of me because he brought a (
rum and) coke to class. Self denial is not my strong suit.
I am a half a day into eating healthy. Here are the worst parts of starting a new diet:
1. The almost uncontrollable urge to consume entire loaves of bread that you probably would have ignored if you weren’t mentally dieting.
2. trying to convince yourself that anything is acceptable alternative to coffee creamer.
3. People who give you unsolicited advice about how/what to eat.
5. The horrible organ crushing flatulence caused by #4. My body rejects the importance of plant fiber rebels by turning my body into a fart factory. (I preemptively apologized to my husband for the next two weeks it will take my body to adjust.)
6. Staring at the soda, bread, pasta, beer, chips, candy, steak and cheese living in my fridge. Or watching my husband eat it.
7. the bland sadness of a salad and the eventual emptiness that results 20 min after eating one. Why are you always 1000 time more hungry after eating one?
8. The ungodly cravings that make you want to slap down the nearest 5 year old and steal their cookies.
9. Not waking up skinny the next day… week… month after you started.
10. restaurant menus that either offer delicious butter marinated steak explosions with a side of deep fried anything or a Shit Salad and side of water.
11. Attempting to last longer then the second week.
12. Preparing all those damn meals ahead of time so you don’t cave out of sheer laziness. and actually sticking to them.
13. THE GROCERY BILL!
14. people who suggest you start _______ <- insert random fad exercise here. Fuck you I can barely feed myself the things I need to survive . I sure as hell, don’t have time to guilt myself about not exercising.
15. The cinnamon buns that are baked 20 feet from my office door at work. every. single. goddamn. day.